| Powder Monkey January 2012 |
Short
Story #6
Story #6
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| Holy Drunk by Tony Rivari |
“Hic.”
“Ward, be quiet.” Shelly tried to be subtle as she poked her boy friend and
whispered the order. She did not want anyone else in the church hearing it. A debate was
ongoing inside her mind whether or not it was a good idea bringing him to the wedding.
“Hic.”
This time the poke was a lot harder.
“Stop it, I can’t help myself.”
“You’re not drunk. You haven’t had anything to drink today. Stop acting like that.
You’ll survive being in a church.” As she spoke Shelly’s eye wandered between the
priest and altar boys and the bride, especially the white dress.
“You sure? Told you before, my kind do not belong in places of a religious nature.
Hic.” She turned and looked him in the eyes. “You will sit there quietly and
respectfully or I’ll make it so you don’t survive.”
Ward raised his eyebrows, “Hic.” Before she could do or say anything, “Wow. Fire
works.”
One with pleasure, the other in befuddlement, the pair watched the altar candles
suddenly erupt as if they were Roman candles. Shelly sat with her mouth open as Ward
tried to control his laughing and hiccups, the altar was becoming a Keystone Cops
scenario. No one seem to know what to do. Obviously putting out fireworks on an altar
was something the priest and boys were not trained to do. Then as quick are they flared
up the candles went out.
Shelly grabbed his leg and pinched as hard as she could. “You knew that was about
to happen.”
“What? Hic. I need a drink.”
The fact he felt no pain as he put her hand back on her lap did not surprise Shelly. In
all the times they had been together he had never shown fear or pain. She had pinched him
mainly to display her dissatisfaction over what was going on, something Shelly was sure
her mage boyfriend was the cause of. “You said fireworks before the candles flared.
What are you up to?”
He never answered the question. Suddenly the flame on a candle leaped out and set
on fire the priest’s robe. This too did not last long.
“Ward, what’s going on? You don’t normally do planks like that?”
“Hic, you know, altar wine is very good. Wonder where they get it? Hic.”
“How did you get a taste of the– ”
Ward put his finger on her lips. “Hic. Why do you keep asking dumb questions? Hic.
Stuff’s good. Think I’ll make a visit to the vineyard and get several barrels. Nay, think I’
ll go home. That junk is good.” He leaned over as if he wanted to place his head on her
shoulder.
“You’re not drunk. You . . . Geech, you do smell like wine. How? I’ve been with
you ever since we left the house.”
He gave her a big Cheshire Cat smile. “Hic. Just your friendly neighborhood wino.
Hic. Can we go before they wonder why the drapes are on fire?”
“Ward!”
“Not me. But I now know who.”
Instantly the entire church turned a baby blue shade and everything stopped any form
of movement. Everything except a figure in a dark overcoat who appeared to be trying to
create a spell.
“Forget it. Jerk. You’re in my world where you play by my rules.” Ward spoke as he
walked towards the figure, passing through everything as he went.
“You ain’t drunk?” The figure asked in a very surprised manner.
“And you ain’t suppose to be here.” Ward pulled the coat off. “Ah, nuts a stinking
little orc. What am I going to have to do to convince Orcus to stay away?”
Not by his own abilities, the startled orc floated up to where the pair where eye
balls to eye balls. The manner in which his limbs flapped about suggested he had never
been in the air before. “Okay, you talking or do I turn you into a pin cushion?”
“What’s a pin cushion? One of your stupid little human– ”
Fifty darts suddenly appeared in the air, all aimed at the orc.
“That I understand.” The little guy’s eyes became almost as large as the rest of his
head. “Orcus heard a rumor Loki had knocked you off. He wanted to check it out. Hey,
Boss, face it. This is a sweet little place you got here.”
“And it’s going to stay that way. Tell the big pig to stay away or I’ll introduce him to
a spell I learned. One I’m dying to try out.” The human stared the orc in the eyes.
“Suppose to be able to erase demi-gods.” A huge smile appeared. “Can’t wait to try it.
Think the big pig will be my guinea pig?”
The big eyes reappeared on the orc as he appeared to be too dumbstruck to speak.
As a portal opened Ward tossed the orc into it. Before it was fully opened the
gateway was closing. An event Ward wanted. That did not give anything on the other side
a chance to cross over. As he looked around to see if he missed anything Ward decided
on what next to do.
After he sat down beside Shelly the blue haze disappeared.
“Take care of the little guy? Geech, he was ugly. Are any orcs . . . pretty?”
“How did you know . .” Puzzled, Ward stared at his human, non magical girl
friend. “I froze time so I could do that without anyone noticing. That was to include you.”
Shelly held his hand as she watched the priest continue on with mass. “We may not
be married and I can’t do the first spell, but we’re becoming one.”
“How long has my magic had little effect on you?”
“Long enough for me to keep an eye on you. Now hush.”
Ah shit, I do need some wine!
“Ward, be quiet.” Shelly tried to be subtle as she poked her boy friend and
whispered the order. She did not want anyone else in the church hearing it. A debate was
ongoing inside her mind whether or not it was a good idea bringing him to the wedding.
“Hic.”
This time the poke was a lot harder.
“Stop it, I can’t help myself.”
“You’re not drunk. You haven’t had anything to drink today. Stop acting like that.
You’ll survive being in a church.” As she spoke Shelly’s eye wandered between the
priest and altar boys and the bride, especially the white dress.
“You sure? Told you before, my kind do not belong in places of a religious nature.
Hic.” She turned and looked him in the eyes. “You will sit there quietly and
respectfully or I’ll make it so you don’t survive.”
Ward raised his eyebrows, “Hic.” Before she could do or say anything, “Wow. Fire
works.”
One with pleasure, the other in befuddlement, the pair watched the altar candles
suddenly erupt as if they were Roman candles. Shelly sat with her mouth open as Ward
tried to control his laughing and hiccups, the altar was becoming a Keystone Cops
scenario. No one seem to know what to do. Obviously putting out fireworks on an altar
was something the priest and boys were not trained to do. Then as quick are they flared
up the candles went out.
Shelly grabbed his leg and pinched as hard as she could. “You knew that was about
to happen.”
“What? Hic. I need a drink.”
The fact he felt no pain as he put her hand back on her lap did not surprise Shelly. In
all the times they had been together he had never shown fear or pain. She had pinched him
mainly to display her dissatisfaction over what was going on, something Shelly was sure
her mage boyfriend was the cause of. “You said fireworks before the candles flared.
What are you up to?”
He never answered the question. Suddenly the flame on a candle leaped out and set
on fire the priest’s robe. This too did not last long.
“Ward, what’s going on? You don’t normally do planks like that?”
“Hic, you know, altar wine is very good. Wonder where they get it? Hic.”
“How did you get a taste of the– ”
Ward put his finger on her lips. “Hic. Why do you keep asking dumb questions? Hic.
Stuff’s good. Think I’ll make a visit to the vineyard and get several barrels. Nay, think I’
ll go home. That junk is good.” He leaned over as if he wanted to place his head on her
shoulder.
“You’re not drunk. You . . . Geech, you do smell like wine. How? I’ve been with
you ever since we left the house.”
He gave her a big Cheshire Cat smile. “Hic. Just your friendly neighborhood wino.
Hic. Can we go before they wonder why the drapes are on fire?”
“Ward!”
“Not me. But I now know who.”
Instantly the entire church turned a baby blue shade and everything stopped any form
of movement. Everything except a figure in a dark overcoat who appeared to be trying to
create a spell.
“Forget it. Jerk. You’re in my world where you play by my rules.” Ward spoke as he
walked towards the figure, passing through everything as he went.
“You ain’t drunk?” The figure asked in a very surprised manner.
“And you ain’t suppose to be here.” Ward pulled the coat off. “Ah, nuts a stinking
little orc. What am I going to have to do to convince Orcus to stay away?”
Not by his own abilities, the startled orc floated up to where the pair where eye
balls to eye balls. The manner in which his limbs flapped about suggested he had never
been in the air before. “Okay, you talking or do I turn you into a pin cushion?”
“What’s a pin cushion? One of your stupid little human– ”
Fifty darts suddenly appeared in the air, all aimed at the orc.
“That I understand.” The little guy’s eyes became almost as large as the rest of his
head. “Orcus heard a rumor Loki had knocked you off. He wanted to check it out. Hey,
Boss, face it. This is a sweet little place you got here.”
“And it’s going to stay that way. Tell the big pig to stay away or I’ll introduce him to
a spell I learned. One I’m dying to try out.” The human stared the orc in the eyes.
“Suppose to be able to erase demi-gods.” A huge smile appeared. “Can’t wait to try it.
Think the big pig will be my guinea pig?”
The big eyes reappeared on the orc as he appeared to be too dumbstruck to speak.
As a portal opened Ward tossed the orc into it. Before it was fully opened the
gateway was closing. An event Ward wanted. That did not give anything on the other side
a chance to cross over. As he looked around to see if he missed anything Ward decided
on what next to do.
After he sat down beside Shelly the blue haze disappeared.
“Take care of the little guy? Geech, he was ugly. Are any orcs . . . pretty?”
“How did you know . .” Puzzled, Ward stared at his human, non magical girl
friend. “I froze time so I could do that without anyone noticing. That was to include you.”
Shelly held his hand as she watched the priest continue on with mass. “We may not
be married and I can’t do the first spell, but we’re becoming one.”
“How long has my magic had little effect on you?”
“Long enough for me to keep an eye on you. Now hush.”
Ah shit, I do need some wine!